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Fatwa CenterHow to know whether one is dutiful to his parents
Question
Assalaamu alaykum, scholars. I am a brother (19 years old) who lives in Spain with his parents. Ever since Allaah guided me, praise be to Him, I have been facing many, many problems with my parents, who are also Muslims but are not that practicing. Nevertheless, they are still Muslims. I have read a lot about being dutiful to one's parents, not a little, but a lot, and I clearly understand when it is obligatory to obey them, and that is when three conditions are met: 1. It should be benefitial for them. 2. There should be no harm on the child. 3. It should not be haram. I try to be dutiful to them. I speak with a voice that makes it seem as if I am sick, so a quiet voice; I buy presents for my mother; I help them, etc. However, even doing that, my parents are not pleased with me. Rather, most of the time, they may be angry with me because of things that are somehow related to religion and my life. For example, the way I dress, or my wish to dedicate all my time to knowledge and travel to Madinah and not pursue secular studies, what I eat and drink, etc. I wanted to know, how can I know whether I am being dutiful with them while they are angry because of me most of their time? In other words, are there any signs to know whether I am fulfilling their rights as well as that which Allaah, The Exalted, meant by dutifulness to the parents and asked us for?
Answer
All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad 
is His slave and Messenger.
There is no specific indication by which a son knows whether or not he is dutiful and obedient to his parents, but if he treats them well, avoids mistreating them by any kind of mistreatment, provides them with any good that he may give to them, and obeys them in what is permissible, then he is considered as being dutiful and obedient to them.
The Fiqh Encyclopedia, when speaking about the meaning of dutifulness to parents in terminology, reads, “It mostly refers to kindness through gentle, lenient speech that indicates compassion and love, and avoiding harsh words that entail aversion; while coupling this with compassion, affection, and kindness either with money or other good deeds.”
The matter is as you mentioned, that obedience to parents is not absolute and has limits, which you outlined in your question. We have already clarified this in fatwa 277330. Therefore, not everything that angers the parents is considered disobedience; so it is not obligatory to obey them in regard to wearing a certain type of clothes, and the same applies to food, drink, and studying in a particular specialty; unless they have a correct purpose for that.
Nevertheless, the son should try to please them, and whenever it is possible for him to obey them and avoid their anger, he should do so.
Allah knows best.
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