Asalamu alaykum, Shaykh.
May Allah bless u. Please read everything before answering the question.
I really need this question answered, and I have asked other shaykhs, but they did not give good answers like you. I am not insane, so you do not have to worry. I study at university and am at the top of my class. How can I be insane if I can drive, work, etc.
I have very bad OCD, and sometimes it is so bad that I cannot speak, eat, sneeze, go to the toilet, etc. without a lot of effort and struggling.
I keep having thoughts of disbelief. Disbelief in the sense of proper life or grey areas.
So the thoughts come and due to OCD I pronounce them with the intention of saying it in a good way to make it not be disbelief and get it out of my head, but sometimes these thoughts keep coming, and due to OCD I pronounce it because it drives me crazy.
There are many grey areas, such as I think of something and it is disbelief, or I say something that is disbelief when I try to refute these thoughts.
Ignoring it is very hard, and it cannot be done overnight, especially as my case is so bad. I have lost a lot of weight as I cannot eat well with these thoughts.
They are so strong in areas that I cannot speak of, like the prayer or eating or drinking.
This is only one aspect, I also keep feeling so much anger towards Islam and Allah in my body when little things happen, like even when someone asks me for help or calls my name or even asks me how I am. I do not know why, but this anger gets expressed when I make some fast motion like moving my hands. As my head is messed up and I have OCD, I do not know if I was angry at Allah intentionally.
My question is, I repent each time I am guilty of disbelief, but do I have to perform ghusl (ritual bath) as well? This could mean that I would have to perform it four or five times a day.
Also, if I delay repentance for disbelief, is that disbelief in and of itself?
I have not prayed normally and properly without struggling so hard and using so much energy in years. I am slowly dying in terms of my faith.
May Allah make it easy for you in your struggle. Life is a test, and sometimes we face these difficulties, and Allah is the Most Wise. Just be patient and seek help from Allah. I would suggest the following for you:
1- Do not despair from the Mercy of Allah, you have a physical condition, so there is no fault in you. Seek medical help in order to bring about the chemistry balance that you need. Taking medicine with a doctor’s prescription can be a good means, Allah willing.
2- Keep yourself busy with good deeds, work, etc.
3- Always ask Allah for forgiveness.
4- Recite the athkar (pl. or thikr [expressions of remembrance of Allah]) in the morning and the evening according to the Sunnah.
5- You do not need to perform ghusl, since you do not do this of your own choice; rather, it is beyond your capacity.
6- Be pleased with the decree of Allah and the fact that He is testing you for you to continue to be pleased with Him and worship Him alone.
7- Try to find good companionship in the masjid and participate in activities there, that will help, Allah willing.
May Allah make it easy for you and relieve you from your pains.