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Bismillahi alrahman alraheem wasalaamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabaraktuh

.. I am sorry that i am writing in english it is because i do not have a keyboard to write in arabic with. i should warn you that this is a long letter but i have tried to explain my situation because i really need help. wa jazakum allahu alf alf khair for looking into my matter!

Anyhow I am working within my medical profession and part-time i do research as most within the university/medical field do.
I consider Myself to be a devouted pious muslim walhamdullilah and at the same time i have always been ambitious Energetic Aiming high in my career Simply a winner. i have always walhamdullilah tried to clean my niyah that what i do should be for allah and that my muslim society will benefit from it and third show the non-muslim that a muslim especially the muslim woman is strong and is always encouraged to strive for innovativeness and education. this is something i never speak out but keep for myself. big words Maybe but i think it has to do with my personality... i have always liked to analyze Work hard Create results To win Use my intellectual capacity Feeling success Showing that a muslim actually can be the best.. .

I started with research more than 4 Years ago which i have been combining with my clinical work part-time. it all began when i was accepted in a research training education for 2 Years.then,
I started in a project and i worked really hard and i put lots of energy and time on it for about A year. i gained lots of new knowledge and methods. then my main supervisor left the country and went back to his home-country. i was left alone with the project and i tried my best to work on my own but it was really hard. my co-supervisor did not take His responsibility and did not care. i thought my time was valuable and i did not want to waste my time on something useless. so after making istikharah i decided to leave it for a year or so.

Then i was offered a position within another research group. These new people knew what had happened to me previously. i made istikharah and decided to go for it. because i thought then that i should accomplish what i have started and at least practically get something out of it. but again the supervisor left he Was kicked from his position and left me and my co-supervisor on our own! i could not believe it had happened again! the co-supervisor felt that he had been responsible for this and managed to arrange so i could start in another group within the research Field. i made istikharah and felt it was right. and i have been with this group 6 Months
But All these re-starts and re-makes and lefts on my own has literally taken out all the energy and capacity of me. i feel that i am not enjoying work anymore. i Feel that no matter how much input i make i never get results and i seem to be choosing wrong all the time. i always believe in kheerato fee ma akhtar allah.

Lately i have been thinking of just dropping the whole thing and focus on my clinical work. but Then i ask myself:
1. What about all this knowledge and education i have gained though all these hardships??
2. What about my beautiful dreams about achieving a higher degree?
3. What about the research field i am into which if i have succeeded it would have been such a benefit for my home-country and muslim community ?
4. I want to specialise within my medical field and without a research degree i cannot compete with the other non-muslims. as a muslim sister i always have to be at least ten-fold better then my non-muslim colleagues.
5. I feel at the moment that i am a failure and i do not wish to give anyone the opportunity to say \"look she did not manage!\" or \"what has she been doing all these years???\"
6. I feel even miserable when i watch all these great islamic programmes about success in life and how i as a muslim should contribute to success Research and knowledge. i feel that \"i am letting my muslim community down I could not do contribute anything to knowledge or research\"
7. If i do not Accomplish this then i feeling i am escaping the problem.

I feel that i have been choosing wrong or thinking wrong But at the end of the day i still believe in \"kheerato fe ma akhtar allah\"
However i must point out that i am successful within my clinical work walhamdullilah

If i should continue with research i do not know how to re-motivate myself. i feel that i have no energy or capacity left. i have always have had a strong will but now..nothing!
I feel that this has scattered and fragmented me and Somehow de-focused my mind and goals..

Of course you would ask what about your social life? i have my parents and rest of family And lots of close muslim sisters..maybe you would say you need a change in your life? but how I wait for a change but think i should get the best of my life within the limits of islam - as having said that i am a strong muslimah and i try my best to fulfill my duties as muslim. i go for dua and thikr walhamdullilah but i need to work more with myself.
(It is such a defeat For a winner like me( maybe the word winner is not a proper word to use for a sister.)...
And i really feel so sad and miserable. i have cried and i have always been the one who encourage people but no one seem to be able to encourage me.
I always go from hardship to hardship but i feel it is a test from allah Walhamdullilah for everything.

I am sorry again that my letter is so long..i wish could have made my points clearer but there are so many thoughts in my head and i need your help to sort them out.
What should i do I hope you will be able to look into my matter soon...please do not hesitate to ask me any questions- thank you very much in advance and
Jazakum allahu alf khaayr with best tahiyah
Your sister h s


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