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Fatwa CenterChoosing between Refusing a Suitor and Pleasing the Mother
Question
A young man proposed to me, and during the shoufa (marital meeting), I felt uncomfortable and sensed right away that he didn’t suit me. I felt suffocated around him and just couldn’t imagine myself with him. But I couldn’t express this discomfort in front of our families.I prayed and did a lot of istikhara, especially the du’a: “O Allah, choose for me and do not leave the choice to me. By Your mercy, I seek relief.” Over two weeks, the feeling of unease grew stronger. Every time someone brought up his name, I felt distressed and withdrawn. Eventually, I told my father I wasn’t comfortable marrying him. He was very supportive, may Allah preserve him, and he canceled the proposal with the man’s family.However, my mother reacted differently. She said I was rejecting a blessing and that I would never find someone like him again—that this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. She began to pressure me to meet him again, though I’ve made it clear I don’t want to. Still, she insisted, and now I’m overthinking and feeling guilty. I wonder if I’ve rejected a gift from Allah or gone against the teachings of the Prophet ?.But at the same time, I know I made istikhara, sought advice, and truly don’t feel at peace with this man. I’m confident in my decision, yet I still feel whispers of doubt. Am I sinful for saying no?
Answer
All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah, and that Muhammad 
is His slave and Messenger.
There is no sin on you for refusing this young man as a potential husband, and declining him does not mean you are rejecting a blessing from Allah.
That said, if that young man is known for his religious commitment and good character, it may be wise not to rush in turning him down. The discomfort or anxiety you felt after praying Istikhārah (prayer of seeking guidance to the right decision) does not necessarily mean that marrying him would not be good for you.
Consequently, if you are able to accept the proposal, and be dutiful to your mother by doing so, then go ahead, for Allah may place blessing in the marriage because of being dutiful to your mother. There is no harm in repeating the Istikhārah prayer. After you pray Istikhārah, proceed with the matter; if it goes forward smoothly, then all praise be to Allah; and if it does not work out, then it means the marriage (to that man) is not good for you.
The essence of Istikhārah is to entrust your decision to Allah and ask Him to choose what is best for you. This is reflected in the wording of the Istikhārah Du‘ā’ (supplication) as reported in the Sahih of al-Bukhārī on the authority of Jābir 
who said: The Messenger of Allah, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, used to teach us the Istikhārah in all matters, just as he would teach us a Surah (chapter) from the Quran. He said, ‘If any one of you is deliberating about a decision he has to make, then let him pray two Rak`ahs of non-obligatory prayer, then say:
‘O Allah, I seek Your guidance [in making a choice] by virtue of Your knowledge, and I seek ability by virtue of Your power, and I ask You of Your great bounty. You have power, I have none. And You know, I know not. You are the Knower of hidden things. O Allah, if in Your knowledge, this matter is good for me both in my religion, my livelihood and the end of my affair (or he said: in my affairs, in the present and the future), then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless it for me. And if in Your knowledge it is bad for me both in my religion, my livelihood and the end of my affair (or he said: in my affairs, in the present and the future), then turn me away from it, [and turn it away from me], and ordain for me the good wherever it may be and make me pleased with it).’
The Messenger of Allah also said that the person supplicating should mention his need by name.
Allah knows best.
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