Experiencing a very troubled marriage
Fatwa No: 90138

  • Fatwa Date:9-6-2005 - Jumaadaa Al-Oula 3, 1426
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Question

I have been married for quite along time now. I converted a couple of months before. From the beginning of the marriage, we have had problems. My husband has threatened me with divorce and second wife for years if I don't do as he says. I used to get upset but now I don't care. He has said and done many things to get me to conform to what he wants. Yet when I call him on it he denies being verbally/physically abusive. We now have children and he has started making derogatory remarks about our baby daughter.
I have to beg him to give me money for buying groceries. If I use my own money he complains about how we need to pay bills instead of buying the things I buy (house, food and things our daughter likes to eat). If I need something, he always says we can't afford it. He then turns around and buys expensive gifts for his friends. He asks me for money and always says that he will pay me back but never ever has. He makes promise after promise to me and breaks everyone of them and then gets angry with me when I call him on it. He even denies that he has promised anything at all.
I have been injured recently and will be getting a settlement from the company in which I was injured. My husband first wanted me to use the money to pay his debts (debts he incurs buying gifts for friends or helping others).
I told him I would put anything I get away for our children's futures. He then told me a few days later to put the money towards an Islamic mortgage.
When I was injured, I needed help with housework and child care. He refused to pay for anyone to come help me saying he would do it. He didn't do anything. When I found out that my injury was more severe than first thought, I went to a lawyer (under his pressure) and the lawyer offered to take my case. After this my husband started helping out in the house and offered to pay for my treatment.
When he is angry with me he mentions divorce or getting a second wife. So I will give in and do as he wants. I finally had enough a few weeks ago and when he was in the middle of degrading me for something I told him that if he really felt that way, we should end the marriage.
He quickly changed his tone and attitude towards me, saying we have to stay together for our child's sake and so no one can say he is a bad person. I agreed under certain conditions (Islamic rights of a wife).
Things were going well until a couple of weeks ago, he gave away our daughter's car seat without saying anything at all to me. I had planned on keeping all of her baby items for the next baby that comes because he always says we can't afford to buy anything.
I had no idea he had given away the car seat and was naturally upset when I found out. I said we might as well give away the rest of the set too then. So a friend of mine is having a baby and I offered her the playpen.
Last night my husband asked me if it collapses easily. I said yes but don't get any ideas because it is already taken. I have offered it to my friend. He got angry and told me I am to obey him and to ask his permission before I do anything no matter what it is.
I said if that's the way it is I am not interested. He told me I am not Muslim a few times and went to sleep in the office.
I am very tired of living like this. Nothing I do is good enough, all promises he makes are broken to me. Everyone else is always more in need of his time and attention.
He always tells me how we should be good to the converts so they will see a good part of Islam. What about me? I am a convert and yet if I say anything I am complaining and have no right to.
My Eemaan has gone down a lot after seeing the hypocrisy, lies and manipulations done by him and his friends. I am tired of being afraid to say my feelings/thoughts. I am tired of being threatened with another woman (he always compares me to other sisters and tells me how good they are).
Do I have Islamic right to ask for Khula? I don't want my child to see that this is a good way to live. It isn't.

Answer

All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger. We ask Allaah to exalt his mention as well as that of his family and all his companions.

 

Islam urges a husband and wife to strive hard in order to have a happy married life. Marital life should be based on love, respect and understanding.

To achieve love, affection and happiness both the husband and wife should fulfill the other's right, overlook the other's shortcomings and should advise each other kindly in good manners if they observe something wrong, since every human being has shortcomings. To know the mutual rights of husband and wife read to Fataawa: 84630 and 87501.

There is no doubt that it is the duty of the husband to provide for his wife and children, as Allaah stated that men are the protectors and maintainers of women. A husband does not have any right to make use of the money of his wife without her consent. See our Fatwa: 89973.

Try your best to advise your husband to be good with you and behave with you nicely, especially since you are a new Muslim.

If he performs prayers and respects the rulings of his religion then we do not advise you to ask for divorce, rather you have to advise him to give up the sins he is committing, such as lying or breaking promises, etc.

However, if you are determined to seek divorce then you should consult an Islamic center in your area.

Be steadfast! You should not judge Islam by the practices of some of its followers.

Allaah knows best.

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