She and her husband do not like each other
Fatwa No: 295609

Question

Assalaamu Alaikum, I have been married for almost nine years now, and we have two children. I was engaged at the age of 16, I did not like my spouse then (because of an age difference of eight years, his looks, and because he was a doctor and I had not even finished my studies; I was not happy at all). I did not said yes to this relationship, but then I got married after 3 years. He was living in the UK at that time . He came for 11 days to Pakistan. On the wedding night, he told me that he liked someone else but that the family did not agree but that I was there now, that he did not want any kids for five years, that he got married because of family, and so on. We went on the honeymoon, he did touch me but nothing happened. He went back to the UK. After five months, I went to the UK, we did sleep together but he never got intimate. I used to dress up, cooked nice food, and cleaned. I was the nicest person I could be. But even then nothing happened for a year. Then his mum started pressuring me for kids. I used to tell him that his mum was asking about kids and about what was wrong with me. Then he was all nice to me, and I finally got pregnant; I had a son. Since those days, our relationship has gone downhill, my personality went to the opposite. I admit that I stopped taking care of myself and of the house chores; everything is messed up. After a few years, we had a girl. After that, I had complications (prolapse); it is extremly painful. Our intimate life is ruined, I did not like him a bit ever since the beginning, but I used to respect him; he has a very weird personality, he will just speak rubbish all the time. We have constant arguments and bicker with each other. When ever I see him, I just cannot stand him. I am good with others, but with him I am completely opposite. Now he speaks of divorcing me all the time, he blames me for his failure in exams as the house is not clean, and I am lazy and all that. I am very confused. I have nowhere to go. I really want this to work, not for me, but for the kids. I always get flashbacks of my first year of marriage. Your help will bring us back on track.

Answer

All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah and that Muhammad, sallallaahu ʻalayhi wa sallam, is His slave and Messenger.

What you have mentioned about your husband and what he said to you on your wedding day, that he loved another woman and married you only to please his parents, and so on, shows his poor understanding and misjudgment. It is unbecoming of a man to say such things to his wife at the beginning of their marital life. Such reckless behavior has mostly evil consequences on their future life, which is what actually happened.

On the other hand, you did wrong when you neglected beautifying yourself for your husband and fell short in maintaining the affairs of your house as due. It is not surprising that your husband considers the option of divorce, which we hope you can avoid since you have been blessed with children, who are the first victims of a divorce. Therefore, we call for using reason and seeking the mediation of pious people in order to reach mutual reconciliation and set principles for sustaining marriage. The most important of those principles is knowing the due rights over one another and fulfilling the duties and obligations towards each other. Please refer to fataawa 85167 and 85308 about the rights of the spouses over one another.

You should also take the best interests of these two children into account. Although love is important in a marriage, the family may be established on other factors given the presence of considerable interests such as children. This is why ʻUmar  may  Allaah  be  pleased  with  him said, “Homes are not built on love only.

However, if you can no longer sustain a proper marriage, then perhaps divorce would be better. Ibn Qudaamah  may  Allaah  have  mercy  upon  him wrote:

It might be that the situation between the two spouses is bad, and it would be a pure evil and harm for the marriage to continue by obliging the husband to provide sustenance and shelter for his wife and by keeping her indoors while the marital relationship between them is bad and a state of a continuous quarrel without any benefit prevails. All this necessitated the legitimacy of breaking the marriage so that the harm and evil that resulted from it would stop.” [Al-Mughni]

Hopefully, Allaah, The Exalted, would bless the spouses after the divorce with that which is better for them and beyond their expectations. Allaah, The Exalted, says (what means): {But if they separate [by divorce], Allaah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance. And ever is Allaah Encompassing and Wise.} [Quran 4:130]

Al-Qurtubi  may  Allaah  have  mercy  upon  him commented on the verse saying, “If the spouses failed to reach reconciliation and got a divorce, they should place their trust in Allaah; He may bless the man with a better wife who would please him and would grant the woman a better husband who would provide for her broader provisions ...” [Tafseer Al-Qurtubi]

Allaah knows best.

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