An Angry Father Should Be Advised Kindly and Gently
Fatwa No: 427018

Question

Assalamuwalaikum..My question is about my father who has no control over his anger..He sometimes gets angry over very small issues and something without any logic..I know about paternal rights of kind treatment from their children but sometimes he get so much aggressive that he strangle my younger brother or hit him so badly..just for things like didn't poured water in right place or you know younger children do makes mistake not that big issue..even just for falling tv remote from hand mistakenly..He sometimes becomes so aggresive that he may be can kill my brother mistakenly or hurt him so bad that he can get injured..He had an stroke so he is dependent on my younger brother now for walking and for doing things properly.. He things bad about someone too quickly and judge people based on his thought which has basically no logic..My brother tolerate all of this silently..We too tolerate but sometimes he his so aggressive I need to talk loudly to him like why do you have to kick and strangle him over every little issue..jQuery111008652675472930826_1594968030267What is this..??Sometimes to control him or sometimes out of anger..But Later I don't treat him badly..or just make him understand by my expression that this is too much..Am i being disobedient for this..??Am i sinful for doing this..??I am a 20 years old girl and he even kicked me in anger..How should we deal with this..??Can my mother talk to him a little bit harshly with him so that he don't do this kind of act anymore..??He even insulted my mother over this kind of things publicly..Hope to have an answer..

Answer

All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah, and that Muhammad  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) is His slave and Messenger.

Anger is dangerous, and it is one of the most powerful weapons of the devil which he uses to realize his objectives in misguiding the sons of Aadam, and this is why the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) warned against it. It was narrated on the authority of Abu Hurayrah  may  Allaah  be  pleased  with  him that a man said to the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) "'Give me advice.' He  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) said: 'Do not get angry.' The man repeated the same request several times, and each time, he  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) gave the same advice: 'Do not get angry.'" [Al-Bukhaari]

If your father gets angry often, then you should avoid whatever may provoke his anger as much as possible. He should also be advised and reminded of the danger of anger and its bad effects on a person’s religiosity and worldly life. It is better that the person offering the advice should be someone who is hoped to have an influence on him from his relatives or otherwise, and the advice should be given kindly and gently. Such kindness and gentleness are required for greater reason if the advice is given by any of his sons or daughters. Allah, The Exalted, Says (what means): {And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, “My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.”} [Quran 17:24]

Raising your voice with him or speaking to him in the manner described in the question is impermissible, and it is rather a kind of undutifulness towards him. It is incumbent on you to repent of it and seek his forgiveness. If you remark on his wrong actions in a polite manner within the limits of the Islamic etiquette, then there is nothing wrong with that, and it is not considered undutifulness towards him.

As his children, it is obligatory on you to show dutifulness and kindness towards him. His offense against you, regardless of its extent, does not justify offending him, nor does it waive the obligation of showing kindness to him. Allah, The Exalted, Says (what means): {But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness…} [Quran 31:15]

Your mother is not allowed to speak harshly and angrily to your father but should rather advise him kindly and gently. In general, advice should be given kindly and gently by any person, and this requirement is especially emphasized with regard to a wife towards her husband given the great rights he has over her. The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) said: "Were I to command anyone to prostrate before anyone besides Allah, I would have commanded the wife to prostrate before her husband given the great rights that Allah has given him over her." [Abu Daawood]

On the other hand, your father has no right to insult your mother, for he is required to live with her in kindness. Allah, The Exalted, Says (what means): {And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in responsibility and authority]. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.} [Quran 2:228]

It is noteworthy that disciplining one’s children must not be done out of revenge or aggression. When needed, parents should discipline their children within the limits of the Sharee‘ah guidelines.

Allah Knows best.

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