Your website is both respected by both myself n my husband so that is why I have resolved to ask you advice for the ongoing disputes I have with my husband of 6 years. Please help me. I am not in talking terms with his mother and sisters because I felt that they were invading my privacy to make decisions for my family and they would always remind my husband not to change after marriage....this made him rather defensive n started to feel suspicions that I am trying to separate him from his family. I fear Allaah and I believe that if I nature such feelings, I would lose my kids to their spouses in future another issue would be that my husband has not held a permanent job since we are married, we are still dependant on my father for our daily expenses. I admit that I have not fulfilled my rights towards him, e.g. he wants me to be dressed up at home all d time even if he is not working. I found that tedious and unreasonable. He has stopped talking to my mother citing the reason that she has not raised me up well. I do raise my voice to him whenever his demands become excruciating, e.g. he doesn't allow me to take the public transport to go to Islamic gatherings and he is busy to take me there. We have tried to patch up several times thinking it is a cultural barrier between us (he is Yemen Arab and I am an Indian) and also for the sake of our two kids. Of late, we are not able to bear each other's company and have lost respect for each other. I told him the only way these disputes are going to cease if I become closer to Allaah and go for Islamic lectures but he insists that the scholars here(Singapore)are not Salafis and might give the wrong message and he said the internet is enough 4 me. I crave for the Baraqah in such gatherings and I want to meet sisters in Islam. I am very lonely and do not have anyone to confide my problems to, I am waiting for your reply with utmost earnest.
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger. We ask Allaah to exalt his mention as well as that of his family and all his companions.
Allaah legislated marriage so that the spouses would achieve tranquillity and comfort, and so that the marital life will be a foundation for a good family which represents a righteous environment where the children could get a righteous cultivation. So these objectives should not be overlooked when the spouses are busy with the problems of this life.
Therefore, we remind each one of you to fear Allaah in respect to the other, and fear Allaah regarding the children that He blessed you with, as they are a trust with you and you will be questioned about them.
We advise you to sit together in a meeting full of mutual respect and the will to reconcile, and put a foundation in dealing with each other. This foundation should be based on the principles of religion and the obligations that one has to fulfil towards the other. It is on these bases that you should solve any problem that arises between yourselves, as life is scarcely free from problems. However, a judicious person should be wise and cautious so that the ship he is boarding would not drown.
It should be noted that the husband is obliged to spend on the wife and the children, so he should endeavour to fulfil this obligation. Indeed the Prophet clarified the excellence of spending on the wife and children as he said: "Among the Deenaar you spend in the Cause of Allaah, the Deenaar you spend to free a slave, the Deenaar you give in charity to the poor, and the Deenaar you spend on your wife and children, the Deenaar with which you get the best reward is the one you spend on your family."
On one hand, a wife should know that her husband has a great right on her, so she should not boost and raise her voice over him, otherwise she is disobedient. It is an obligation on the wife to obey her husband in what is permissible [as long as he does not order her to disobey Allaah]. The Prophet said: "If I were to order anyone to prostrate to someone else other than Allaah, I would have ordered the wife to prostrate to her husband." [At-Tirmithi] Therefore, if your husband orders you to beautify yourself, then you are obliged to obey him, and there is no doubt that beautifying yourself is a good thing which incites love and affection between both of you. On the other hand, your husband should not order you to beautify yourself when it is difficult for you to do so, as sometimes you will be busy doing some housework and this prevents you from beautifying yourself. Anyway, this matter should be resolved with wisdom, and it is an easy matter, Allaah willing.
As regards attending the lectures and the like, and attending circles of knowledge, this should not be a matter of dispute especially when there is a substitute for it, and when the husband notices some deviation in the people who claim to have religious knowledge or who claim to be scholars.
Furthermore, the relationship with other sisters could be through the different means of communication. Your husband should allow you to attend these circles as long as that does not lead to any harm.
Nevertheless, if he prevents you from going out to acquire knowledge that is not obligatory on you, then you should obey him. As regards the knowledge that is an obligation for a person to learn, if it is possible for you to acquire this knowledge while at home then it is not permissible for you to go out, otherwise [if it is not possible for you to acquire this knowledge while at home] then you may go out to acquire this knowledge. Allaah Knows best.
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