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Fatwa CenterMeaning of 'so that you may play with her and she may play with you'
Question
Dear Scholar, Assalam-o-Aliekom, I have read two Hadiths that I think I might have not properly understood. 1. First hadiths is narrated by Jabir ibn Abd Allah (Allah be pleased with him) that when returning from a battle, he was asked by our Prophet (Allah bless him & give him peace) about his marriage. He replied that he had married a matron. Our Prophet (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “Why not a virgin so that you may play with her and she can play with you?” In this Hadith, I don’t understand the meaning of the word “play”. Is it meant foreplay or does it simply means playing, such as different kinds of games, sports as well as teasing and joking between spouses? Secondly, why was playing stressed with a virgin and not with a matron? 2. The second Hadiths is where Our Prophet (Allah bless him & give him peace) states: “Every game a person plays is futile except for archery, training one’s horse and playing with one’s wife”. My question is similar as above that what we can understand of the phrase “playing with one’s wife” in this Hadiths as well. Whether, it is meant foreplay or is it something referring to games, sports etc. As looking at this Hadith, one understands it might refer to sports but this Hadith was quoted in an article about “foreplay” by some scholar, so I got confused. I know a Hadith or two specifically emphasizing the foreplay, but my confusion is about these two Hadiths. As whether they are also mentioning the foreplay or is something else being referred, like variety of playful activities and games, sports with one’s wife. Please help me in understanding both of these Hadith as we lack in knowledge and can’t easily comprehend the true meanings by ourselves. I would be waiting for your answer to my questions. Thanking you in anticipation. May Allah bless you for your efforts.
Answer
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger. We ask Allaah to exalt his mention as well as that of his family and all his companions.
The narration which you referred to in the question is narrated by Jaabir 
and reported by Al-Bukhari, Muslim, At-Tirmithi, An-Nasaa'ee, Ahmad and others 
. The narration is also reported with the wording "…so that you may laugh with her and she may laugh with you''. As regards the meaning of ''…so that you may play with her and she may play with you.'', Imaam An-Nawawi 
said: ''This means playing, and the majority of the theologians explained the Prophetic expression by the usual play, and this view is supported by the expression ''…so that you may laugh with her and she may laugh with you''. [End of quote].
Therefore, what is meant by playing, is joking and laughing with each other and being kind to each other, and this may include some foreplay. However, some scholars stated that it may refer to the saliva, as Imaam An-Nawawi said. Ibn Hajar said regarding the above meaning: "It refers to sucking her tongue and lips, and this happens when playing with one's wife and kissing her, so this meaning is very possible."
Therefore, according to the above statement, the meaning would be that it refers to foreplaying.
As regards the second narration which the questioner referred to, it is reported by At-Tirmithi, Ibn Maajah, Ahmad and others . The meaning of the Prophetic expression "or playing with one's wife" refers to joking and courteousness, meaning that he plays with his wife by treating her according to her mental understanding in order to soften her heart and keep good marital relationship with her.
With regard to why the Prophet 
stressed playing with a virgin and not with a matron (deflowered woman), then this is an urge to marry the virgin. Ibn Hajar said that this narration is reported by Ibn Maajah with the following wording: ''I advise you to marry virgin women, as they speak in a pleasant way and can give birth to many children.''
Furthermore, Al-Munaawi said when interpreting the above expression: "The matron could be affectionately attached to the first husband and she would not have complete love (for her second husband) at the contrary of a virgin woman."
Allaah Knows best.
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