Feels depressed and angry
Fatwa No: 88764

Question

I am a 30-years-old mother. I am single, divorced, and taking care of 4 kids on my own. I work, go to school, and live with my parents. Life has been tough with me and I believe I inherited some angry genes from my father's side of the family. I always get angry easily, become frustrated, loud, and a big procrastinator. My kids can't accept me the way I am. They usually don't listen to me, don't respect me much. They all under 10-years-old. I feel like I pass this anger mood down to them, they act out angry feelings with each others and always loud, and angry. I can't be happy or relaxed. I asked Allaah many times to make me feel better but I am loosing hope and patience daily. Please, advice.

Answer

All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger. We ask Allaah to exalt his mention as well as that of his family and all his companions.

 

Know that this world is the place of trials. A believer man or woman, has to be patient during trials and must be thankful during times of comfort and prosperity. By doing so he will get the happiness of this life and hereafter as well.

The best advice we can offer you is the precept of the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) as reported by Al-Bukhari and Muslim may  Allaah  have  mercy  upon  them that a man said to the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) "Advise me!" The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) said: "Do not become angry and furious." The man asked (the same) again and again, and the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) said in each case: "Do not become angry and furious."

The scholars said explaining this text that one should avoid the means that leads to being angry. Some scholars have said that anger includes all types of evil.

We cite here some hints that could be used as remedy for the problem you are facing:

First, find out the reasons that lead you to being angry and then try to find a way to overcome them. One reason might be that you are not married; if that is the case then try your best to get married to a suitable man. In this regard, resort to Allaah first by supplication and then you may seek the help of pious and good people or some family members, friends and Muslim scholars. It is advisable not undertake any action that could harm your children.

Another reason might be the burden and responsibility of providing for your children while it is the obligation of their father. If he is alive and can spend on his children, then you have the right to sue him through the authorities that can impose on him the expenditure of his children. With this financial support you may be better able to solve the other problems leading to your becoming angry.

Second, turn back to Allaah and repent from the sins that you may have committed, as sins are among the great causes of the chest being constrained.

Third, seek refuge in Allaah from the Satan the expelled. Whenever you become angry, change your position; if you are standing, sit down, if you are sitting, lie down on one of your sides, and if you are already lying down, then you should lie on your back. All these are instructions taught to us by the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) to control our anger and to calm us down. Making ablution is also an effective method to calm oneself since it extinguishes the fire of anger set by Satan.

Fourth, remind yourself of the virtues of restraining anger and forgiving others. Allaah says (interpretation of meaning): {Who restrain anger and who pardon the people- and Allah loves the doers of good;}[3:134].

Fifth, consider the interest of your children; most probably children in this age follow the example of their elders and learn from them.

Finally, we warn you against the following matters:

First, keep yourself away from weakness and laziness, the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) used to seek Allaah's refuge from these situations. Therefore, you should take care of the affairs of your home and serve your children with zeal and enthusiasm.

Second, you should strive to raise your children according to Islaamic teachings; guide them to goodness, be a role model for them, and remind them of the virtues of being kind and obedient to one's parents.

Third, the most important, is to remain steadfast, following the commands of your Lord and increasing your good deeds. In fact these are essential acts that assure happiness in this life and in the Hereafter as well. Allaah says (interpretation of meaning): {Whoever does righteousness, whether male or female, while he is a believer- We will surely cause him to live a good life, and We will surely give them their reward [in the Hereafter] according to the best of what they used to do.}[16:97].

Fourth, do not lose hope or despair that your supplications will not be answered to the point that you give up supplicating Allaah and destroy yourself. If so, then Satan will rejoice by this achievement.

Allaah knows best.

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